My sister & I are kind of close, we have been through a lot of family turmoil when we were growing up which made our connection stronger. Just for context, she’s 9 years older than me. I’ve been living abroad for the past 2 years and honestly, we don’t really speak that much. We might Skype once every 3 months & have the odd phonecall. I’ve never been sexually attracted to my sister. I would have seen her thong a lot when growing up but there were never any fantasies or anything like that. Anyway, I had to return home for a wedding and she drove us there. We had a great catch up and laughed a lot. The hotel messed up (or so I thought) and gave us a room with a double bed instead of two single beds. I was going to be drunk and didn’t care where I passed out. I went to bed to pass out as the jet lag was overwhelming. My cousin helped me into the room and I went to pass out on the bed still in my clothes. I don’t know when my sister followed me into the room but she started talking to me. Pestering me to keep drinking, so I gave in for one last glass of wine. She told me she misses me a lot & wished we talked more & I agreed. She wished could find someone like me and told me that I shouldn’t hate the way I look before I’m an attractive guy. She then started to get upset because she’s nearly *(certain age, I’m not saying, don’t want to give any personal details away) and she was still looking for love & nobody finds her attractive etc. I jokingly said that if she wasn’t my sister, I wouldn’t think twice. (I’m overthinking now, maybe if I never said this, none of this would of happened). She kissed me. I kissed her back. Then I just started at her, couldn’t believe what just happened. I was getting hard for her. She pushed me onto the bed, took off my pants and sucked me off. I was ready to explode but then she got on top of me. I lasted a total of 10 seconds. We didn’t even say anything afterwards. I just laid there in silence, disgusted what just happened. In disbelief that what just happened was real life. So much shame & guilt, honestly felt like killing myself. I eventually passed out and woke up alone a few hours later. I honestly thought it was a bad dream for 5 seconds until my heart started pounding. I showered for like 30min, just standing there, thinking how the fuck did that happen. I went down for lunch and the strangest thing happened, my sister and I just acted as is we didn’t fuck a few hours previously. She was super cool about it. I’m still so confused by it all. Did she plan this or something? Did she purposely book a room with a double bed? Anyway, on the drive home, we had a cousin join us, so we didn’t talk about it. We still haven’t talked about it. I’m too ashamed to acknowledge it and ask her to talk. What’s confusing the shit out of me is that I can’t stop thinking about her. Fantasizing about doing all tying her up and fucking her in the ass until she begs me to stop. Payback for all those times she tickled me until I couldn’t breathe when I was younger. Am I fucked up now? Have I always been this fucked up? I literally can’t tell anyone about this other than saying it here. A part of me wishes I could turn back the clock but the other part of me is excited about what could potentially happen in the future. Thanks for reading. I’ll update this thread when I eventually speak to her about it.