Let me just get straight to the point. This isnt a shit post to karma whore or for attention. I literally couldn’t care less. I’m here for genuine advice and if you’re not here to give it don’t bother reading it.
Me and my cousin Jenni were super close as our parents always hung out, vacationed, took trips etc together. I’ve known her since childhood. The first incident happened when I was 10 and she was 11 and we showed each other our private parts. Since we were both kids I didn’t think we understood much about sex and private parts etc, but none the less we touched each other’s private parts and that was that. After that nothing sexual happened between us, when we hit puberty we kinda stopped talking or seeing each other, no particular reason just life stuff, got busy, parents also got busy.
Then one summer our family took a trip and me and Jenni had to share a room with one king sized bed. We decided since we were there for a week that wed split the bed one day I sleep on the floor and the next day we alternate. We were about 16/17 at the time. The first night I slept on the floor, she slept on the bed, the second night it was her turn but after we hit the lights and I started to drift to sleep I feel her sneak in to the bed spooning me. I ask her what’s up and she says the floor is to hard to sleep on and the bed is more comfortable. At that point I just was so tired I didn’t care so I just went back to try sleeping. and all of a sudden, I can’t tell who started but we start grinding on each other? I feel her hand on my dick. This gets me hard as fuck and next thing you know we’re making out, grinding… And eventually had unprotected sex.
The next day we did speak anything of it, but for the rest of that week without fail every night we’d switch the lights, get into bed, and have sex. We never talk about it after. Almost like it was a dream.
After that holiday everytime our families would meet up we’d find some time and a private place and we’d have sex. It has become almost like an unhealthy addiction. I know it’s wrong, but it turns me on even more. We’ve even done it even when we were both in relationships. This has been going on for 3/4 years. We are both attractive and I guess is why we keep doing it?
The weirdest part is that we never acknowledge it or talk about it. It makes it feels like a wet dream or something. It makes it not feel real.
Anyway so last week our families were having dinner, and we both finsihed early and made up an excuse to go home early( we both live in our own apartments), we go to her place. Watch a movie and have sex. After I just got up, wore my clothes, and headed out, but before I did I went up to her and asked her “what are we doing here? This isn’t right, I don’t think we should do this anymore” and she kinda just ignored it?” I left and thought that was that.
Yesterday they come to our house for a dinner party, Jenni asks me if she can see my old room and look at the old pictures of us and all, I hesitate but agree, we go up, and as I go to find the box full of our old photos she starts unzipping my pants and I tell her I’m not sure about this but she keeps going and I don’t stop her. I don’t feel it’s right but as she’s giving me oral it feels to good to stop. After she says nothing, gets up and chills down stairs with the family. I stayed up in my old room contemplating my life choices and how I got here. How do I bring it up to her that I want it to end. How to do I stop her if I can’t control how good it feels. I want to start dating again but this is holding me back. What do I do? I feel so wrong and disgusted but I keep going back because it feels so good. I feel like a horrible person.